SOUTHERN vs NORTHERN FOOTBALL : A Primer
Women's Accessories:
NORTH: ChapStick in back pocket and a $20 bill in the
front pocket.
SOUTH: Louis Vuitton duffel with two lipsticks,
waterproof mascara, and a fifth of bourbon. Money is not
necessary... that's what dates are for.
Stadium Size:
NORTH: College football stadiums hold 20,000 people.
SOUTH: High school football stadiums hold 20,000 people.
Fathers:
NORTH: Expect their daughters to understand Sylvia Plath.
SOUTH: Expect their daughters to understand pass
interference.
Campus Decor:
NORTH: Statues of founding fathers.
SOUTH: Statues of Heisman trophy winners.
Homecoming Queen:
NORTH: Also a physics major.
SOUTH: Also Miss America.
Heroes:
NORTH: Rudy Guliani
SOUTH: Archie & Peyton Manning
Getting Tickets:
NORTH: 5 days before the game you walk into the ticket
office on campus and purchase tickets.
SOUTH: 5 months before the game you walk into the
ticket office on Campus and put name on waiting list for
tickets.
Friday Classes After a Thursday Night Game:
NORTH: Students and teachers not sure they're going to
the game, because they have classes on Friday.
SOUTH: Teachers cancel Friday classes because they
don't want to see the few hung-over students that might
actually make it to class.
Parking:
NORTH: An hour before game time, the University opens
the campus for game parking.
SOUTH: RVs sporting their school flags begin arriving on
Wednesday for the weekend festivities. The really faithful
arrive on Tuesday.
Game Day:
NORTH: A few students party in the dorm and watch
ESPN on TV.
SOUTH: Every student wakes up, has a beer for
breakfast, and rushes over to where ESPN is broadcasting
"Game Day Live" to get on camera and wave to the idiots
up North who wonder why "Game Day Live" is never
broadcast from their campus.
Tailgating:
NORTH: Raw meat on a grill, beer with lime in it, listening
to local radio station with truck tailgate down.
SOUTH: 30-foot custom pig-shaped smoker fires up at
dawn. Cooking accompanied by live performance by "Dave
Matthews' Band," who come over during breaks and ask
for a hit off bottle of bourbon.
Getting to the Stadium:
NORTH: You ask "Where's the stadium?" When you find it,
you walk right in.
SOUTH: When you're near it, you'll hear it. On game day
it becomes the state's third largest city.
Concessions:
NORTH: Drinks served in a paper cup, filled to the top with soda.
SOUTH: Drinks served in a plastic cup, with the home
team's mascot on it, filled less than half way with soda,
to ensure enough room for bourbon.
When National Anthem is Played:
NORTH: Stands are less than half full, and less than half
of them stand up.
SOUTH: 100,000 fans, all standing, sing along in perfect
four-part harmony.
The Smell in the Air After the First Score:
NORTH: Nothing changes.
SOUTH: Fireworks, with a touch of bourbon.
Commentary (Male):
NORTH: "Nice play."
SOUTH: "Dammit, you slow sumbitch -tackle him and
break his legs."
Commentary (Female):
NORTH: "My, this certainly is a violent sport."
SOUTH: "Dammit, you slow sumbitch - tackle him and
break his legs."
Announcers:
NORTH: Neutral and paid.
SOUTH: Announcer harmonizes with the crowd in the
fight song, with a tear in his eye because he is so proud
of his team.
After the Game:
NORTH: The stadium is empty way before the game ends.
SOUTH: Another rack of ribs goes on the smoker. While
somebody goes to the nearest package store for more
bourbon, planning begins for next week's game.
And there you have it!
