I got this joke off another website but had to share it with yall. Hope yall like it as much as I did.
The CIA director is interviewing three potential prospects for a CIA post. There is
a 25, 35 and 45 year old male prospects. The Director looks at the 25 year old and says, your wife is in the next room. To test your loyalty, take this pistol and go and shoot your wife. Immediately, the 25 year old says he is too much in love with her and can't bear the thought of killing her. The Director looks at the 35 year old and gives him the same instructions. The 35 year old takes the pistol, enters the room and comes back and says he is still deeply in love with his wife and just can't pull the trigger. Now, the Director offers the same instructions to the 45 year old who takes the
gun immediately and enters the room. Upon shutting the door, the Director hears 3 quick shots and them a lot of wrestling and fighting noise. After a couple of minutes of this racket, the Director enters the room to find the wife dead. He immediately asks the 45 year old what happened. He exclaimed that someone put blanks in the gun and then it took a while before he could break her neck!
Joke
Joke
Might as well as add these too.
1. A guy is walking down the street when he sees a little boy sitting in a yard with a dog and a wagon. Stops when he sees the boy has tied the wagon to the testicals of the dog. The guy says, "Hey there son, what are you doing?" The boy replies, "playing fireman, Fido here is pulling the firetruck."
The guy says, "I bet your firetruck would go faster if you tied the wagon to Fido's collar instead of his testicals." The boy replies, "Yeh, but then I wouldn't have a siren."
2. Three labrador retrievers are sitting the the vets office, Yellow, Black, and Chocolate. The Yellow lab says to the Black lab, "What are you in here for?" Black replies, "Well, I have a chewing problem. I chew on everything. My toys, the furniture, the walls, the doors, everything. Well the other day I messed up big time and chewed on the kids. Now I have to go on doggie Prozac."
Yellow says to the Choc, "What are you in here for?" Choc replies, "Well I dig up everything. I dig in the front yard, the back yard, the neighbor's yard. Screwed up last night and decided to dig up the new couch. Now I have to go on doggie prozac too."
Choc says to Yellow, "What are you in here for?" Yellow replies, "Well my problem is a hump everything. I hump the cat, the neighbors dog, even the mailman. Well last night my human mom just got out of the shower and bent over to pick up her towel, and I couldn't restrain myself,
so........."
Black then says, "So are you here for doggie prozac too?"
Yellow says, "No, I'm here to get my toe nails clipped."
1. A guy is walking down the street when he sees a little boy sitting in a yard with a dog and a wagon. Stops when he sees the boy has tied the wagon to the testicals of the dog. The guy says, "Hey there son, what are you doing?" The boy replies, "playing fireman, Fido here is pulling the firetruck."
The guy says, "I bet your firetruck would go faster if you tied the wagon to Fido's collar instead of his testicals." The boy replies, "Yeh, but then I wouldn't have a siren."
2. Three labrador retrievers are sitting the the vets office, Yellow, Black, and Chocolate. The Yellow lab says to the Black lab, "What are you in here for?" Black replies, "Well, I have a chewing problem. I chew on everything. My toys, the furniture, the walls, the doors, everything. Well the other day I messed up big time and chewed on the kids. Now I have to go on doggie Prozac."
Yellow says to the Choc, "What are you in here for?" Choc replies, "Well I dig up everything. I dig in the front yard, the back yard, the neighbor's yard. Screwed up last night and decided to dig up the new couch. Now I have to go on doggie prozac too."
Choc says to Yellow, "What are you in here for?" Yellow replies, "Well my problem is a hump everything. I hump the cat, the neighbors dog, even the mailman. Well last night my human mom just got out of the shower and bent over to pick up her towel, and I couldn't restrain myself,
so........."
Black then says, "So are you here for doggie prozac too?"
Yellow says, "No, I'm here to get my toe nails clipped."
-
QUACKADDICT
- Regular
- Posts: 58
- Joined: Fri Feb 15, 2002 1:01 am
- Location: St Matthews, SC
Joke
And then there's the one about the motorist who ran the stop sign which of course was witnessed by the local policeman. When the policeman approached the violator and explained that he had only slowed down at the sign instead of stopping, the motorist exclaimed,"Slow down, stop, what's the difference?" Seizing on the opportunity to educate the violator, the officer began to beat the motorist unmercifully with his nightstick. After just a few moments of this treatment, the officer asked the violator,"Now,do you want me to slow down or stop?!!!" [img]images/smiles/icon_biggrin.gif[/img] [img]images/smiles/icon_eek.gif[/img] [img]images/smiles/icon_eek.gif[/img]
-
duckhuntalot
- Veteran
- Posts: 356
- Joined: Tue Aug 21, 2001 12:01 am
- Location: Kosciusko
Joke
I know I shouldn't set myself up like this being from the Land of Opportunity and all but here it goes......
Arkansas Scholars
Questions and answers selected from tests in Springdale, Arkansas in 2000 to 16 year old students! (Don't laugh too hard - one of these may be the president someday.)
Q: Name the four seasons. A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink. A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: How is dew formed? A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: What is a planet? A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans? A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections? A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets a election.
Q: What are steroids? A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Q: What happens to your body as you age? A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty? A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q; Name a major disease associated with cigarettes. A: Premature death.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? A: Keep it in the cow.
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (E.g., abdomen.) A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A,E,I,O and U.
Q: What is the Fibula? A: A small lie
Q: What does "varicose" mean? A: Nearby.
Q: What is the most common form of birth control? A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.
Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section." A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.
Q: What is a seizure? A: A Roman emperor.
Q: What is a terminal illness? A: When you are sick at the airport
Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature? A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
Q: What does the word "benign" mean? A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
Q: What is a turbine? A: Something an Arab wears on his head.
Q: What is a Hindu? A: It lays eggs.
[ May 31, 2002: Message edited by: duckhuntalot ]
Arkansas Scholars
Questions and answers selected from tests in Springdale, Arkansas in 2000 to 16 year old students! (Don't laugh too hard - one of these may be the president someday.)
Q: Name the four seasons. A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink. A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: How is dew formed? A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: What is a planet? A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans? A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections? A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets a election.
Q: What are steroids? A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Q: What happens to your body as you age? A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty? A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q; Name a major disease associated with cigarettes. A: Premature death.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? A: Keep it in the cow.
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (E.g., abdomen.) A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A,E,I,O and U.
Q: What is the Fibula? A: A small lie
Q: What does "varicose" mean? A: Nearby.
Q: What is the most common form of birth control? A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.
Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section." A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.
Q: What is a seizure? A: A Roman emperor.
Q: What is a terminal illness? A: When you are sick at the airport
Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature? A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
Q: What does the word "benign" mean? A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
Q: What is a turbine? A: Something an Arab wears on his head.
Q: What is a Hindu? A: It lays eggs.
[ May 31, 2002: Message edited by: duckhuntalot ]
Joke
Get a load of these! Got 'em in email.
>>Bad Day
>>So you think you're having a bad day?
>>
>>This article was taken from the California Examiner, March 20, 1998 Fire
>>authorities in California found a corpse in a burned out section of
>>forest
>>while assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The deceased male was
>>dressed in a full wet suit, complete with scuba tanks on his back,
>>flippers, and facemask. A post-mortem revealed that the person died not
>>from burns but from massive internal injuries. Dental records provided a
>>positive identification. Investigators then set about to determine how a
>>fully clad diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire.
>>
>>It was revealed that on the day of the fire, the person went for a diving
>>trip off the coast some 20 miles from the forest. The firefighters,
>>seeking
>>to control the fire as quickly as possible, called in a fleet of
>>helicopters with very large dip
>>buckets. Water was dipped from the ocean and then flown to the forest
>>fire
>>and emptied. You guessed it. One minute our diver was making like Flipper
>>in the Pacific, the next he was doing the breaststroke in a fire dip
>>bucket
>>300 feet in the air.
>>
>>STILL THINK YOU ARE HAVING A BAD DAY ?
>>
>>Taken from a Florida Newspaper:
>>A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in the
>>kitchen. The man was racing the engine on the motorcycle when it
>>accidentally slipped into gear. The man, still holding onto the handle
>>bars, was dragged through the glass patio doors and along with the
>>motorcycle dumped onto the floor inside the house. The wife, hearing the
>>crash, ran into the dining room and found her husband lying on the floor,
>>cut and bleeding, the motorcycle lying next to him and the shattered
>>patio
>>door. The wife ran to the phone and summoned the ambulance. Because they
>>lived on a fairly large hill, the wife went down the several flights of
>>stairs to the street to escort the paramedics to her husband. After the
>>ambulance arrived and transported
>>the man to the hospital, the wife set the motorcycle upright and pushed
>>it
>>outside. Since gas was spilled on the floor, the wife got some paper
>>towels, blotted up the gasoline and threw the towels in the toilet. The
>>man was treated and released to come home.
>>
>>Upon arrival he looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to
>>his motorcycle. He became despondent, went to the bathroom, sat down on
>>the
>>toilet and smoked a cigarette. After finishing the cigarette, he flipped
>>it
>>between his legs into the toilet bowl while seated. The wife, who was in
>>the kitchen, heard the loud explosion and her husband screaming. She ran
>>into the bathroom and found her husband lying on the floor. His trousers
>>had been blown away and he was suffering burns on the buttocks, the back
>>of
>>his legs, and his groin. The wife again ran to the phone to call the
>>ambulance. The very same paramedic crew was dispatched and the wife met
>>them at the street.
>>
>>The paramedics loaded the husband on to the stretcher and began carrying
>>him to the street. While they were going down the stairs to the street
>>accompanied by the wife, one of the paramedics asked the wife how the
>>husband had burned himself. She told them and the paramedics started
>>laughing so hard, one of them slipped and tipped the stretcher, dumping
>>the
>>husband out. He fell down the remaining stairs and broke his arm.
>>
>>FEELING BETTER YET?
>>
>>The average cost for rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil
>>spill
>>in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively
>>saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause
>>from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them
>>both.
>>
>>AFTER THIS ONE, YOU SHOULD START FEELING FINE !
>>
>>A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to a carpenter
>>in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions. After weeks of
>>needling, he snapped and beat her with an ax leaving her mentally
>>retarded.
>>
>>STILL NOT THERE YET?
>>
>>A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically
>>with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric
>>kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current she whacked
>>him
>>with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his arm in two
>>places. Until that moment he had been happily listening to his Walkman.
>>
>>MAYBE THIS WILL DO IT!
>>
>>Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending
>>pigs
>>to a slaughterhouse in Bonn Germany. Suddenly, the pigs, all two
>>thousand
>>of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two
>>hapless protesters to death.
>>
>>
>>IF, AFTER THIS ONE YOU DON'T FEEL BETTER, THEN I GIVE UP!
>>
>>And finally . . . Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough
>>postage
>>on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it.
>>Forgetting it was the bomb; he opened it and was blown to bits.
>>
>>YOUR DAY'S NOT SO BAD NOW, IS IT?
>>Bad Day
>>So you think you're having a bad day?
>>
>>This article was taken from the California Examiner, March 20, 1998 Fire
>>authorities in California found a corpse in a burned out section of
>>forest
>>while assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The deceased male was
>>dressed in a full wet suit, complete with scuba tanks on his back,
>>flippers, and facemask. A post-mortem revealed that the person died not
>>from burns but from massive internal injuries. Dental records provided a
>>positive identification. Investigators then set about to determine how a
>>fully clad diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire.
>>
>>It was revealed that on the day of the fire, the person went for a diving
>>trip off the coast some 20 miles from the forest. The firefighters,
>>seeking
>>to control the fire as quickly as possible, called in a fleet of
>>helicopters with very large dip
>>buckets. Water was dipped from the ocean and then flown to the forest
>>fire
>>and emptied. You guessed it. One minute our diver was making like Flipper
>>in the Pacific, the next he was doing the breaststroke in a fire dip
>>bucket
>>300 feet in the air.
>>
>>STILL THINK YOU ARE HAVING A BAD DAY ?
>>
>>Taken from a Florida Newspaper:
>>A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in the
>>kitchen. The man was racing the engine on the motorcycle when it
>>accidentally slipped into gear. The man, still holding onto the handle
>>bars, was dragged through the glass patio doors and along with the
>>motorcycle dumped onto the floor inside the house. The wife, hearing the
>>crash, ran into the dining room and found her husband lying on the floor,
>>cut and bleeding, the motorcycle lying next to him and the shattered
>>patio
>>door. The wife ran to the phone and summoned the ambulance. Because they
>>lived on a fairly large hill, the wife went down the several flights of
>>stairs to the street to escort the paramedics to her husband. After the
>>ambulance arrived and transported
>>the man to the hospital, the wife set the motorcycle upright and pushed
>>it
>>outside. Since gas was spilled on the floor, the wife got some paper
>>towels, blotted up the gasoline and threw the towels in the toilet. The
>>man was treated and released to come home.
>>
>>Upon arrival he looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to
>>his motorcycle. He became despondent, went to the bathroom, sat down on
>>the
>>toilet and smoked a cigarette. After finishing the cigarette, he flipped
>>it
>>between his legs into the toilet bowl while seated. The wife, who was in
>>the kitchen, heard the loud explosion and her husband screaming. She ran
>>into the bathroom and found her husband lying on the floor. His trousers
>>had been blown away and he was suffering burns on the buttocks, the back
>>of
>>his legs, and his groin. The wife again ran to the phone to call the
>>ambulance. The very same paramedic crew was dispatched and the wife met
>>them at the street.
>>
>>The paramedics loaded the husband on to the stretcher and began carrying
>>him to the street. While they were going down the stairs to the street
>>accompanied by the wife, one of the paramedics asked the wife how the
>>husband had burned himself. She told them and the paramedics started
>>laughing so hard, one of them slipped and tipped the stretcher, dumping
>>the
>>husband out. He fell down the remaining stairs and broke his arm.
>>
>>FEELING BETTER YET?
>>
>>The average cost for rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil
>>spill
>>in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively
>>saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause
>>from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them
>>both.
>>
>>AFTER THIS ONE, YOU SHOULD START FEELING FINE !
>>
>>A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to a carpenter
>>in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions. After weeks of
>>needling, he snapped and beat her with an ax leaving her mentally
>>retarded.
>>
>>STILL NOT THERE YET?
>>
>>A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically
>>with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric
>>kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current she whacked
>>him
>>with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his arm in two
>>places. Until that moment he had been happily listening to his Walkman.
>>
>>MAYBE THIS WILL DO IT!
>>
>>Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending
>>pigs
>>to a slaughterhouse in Bonn Germany. Suddenly, the pigs, all two
>>thousand
>>of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two
>>hapless protesters to death.
>>
>>
>>IF, AFTER THIS ONE YOU DON'T FEEL BETTER, THEN I GIVE UP!
>>
>>And finally . . . Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough
>>postage
>>on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it.
>>Forgetting it was the bomb; he opened it and was blown to bits.
>>
>>YOUR DAY'S NOT SO BAD NOW, IS IT?
Who is online
Users browsing this forum: Bing [Bot] and 26 guests