1 What does the average Alabama player get on his SATs?..................................Drool.
2 What do you get when you put 32 Arkansas cheerleaders in one oom? ..........A full set of teeth.
3 How do you get a South Carolina cheerleader into your dorm room? ............Grease her hips and push.
4 How do you get a Georgia graduate off your porch? ..........Pay him for the pizza.
5 How do you know if a Mississippi State football player has a girlfriend ? ..........There is tobacco spit on both sides of his pickup
6 Why is the Kentucky football team like a possum? ..........Because they play dead at home and get killed on the road.
7 What are the longest three years of an Auburn football player's life? ..........His freshman year.
8 How many Florida freshmen does it take to change a light ulb? ..........None. That's a sophomore course.
9 Where was O. J. headed in the white Bronco? ..........Baton Rouge, Louisiana. He knew that the police would never look at LSU for a Heisman Trophy winner.
AND FINALLY
10 Why did Tennessee choose orange as their team color? ..........You can wear it to the game on Saturday, hunting on Sunday, and picking up trash along the highways the rest of the week.
Deep South Football
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webfoot
- Duck South Addict
- Posts: 1734
- Joined: Mon Jun 18, 2001 12:01 am
- Location: Jackson, MS-Born in the Delta
Deep South Football
"We face the question whether a still higher standard of living is worth its costs in things natural, wild, and free." - Aldo Leopold
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Greenhead22
- Duck South Addict
- Posts: 19203
- Joined: Sun Apr 29, 2001 12:01 am
- Location: Mississippi/Louisiana/Arkansas
:lolHow can you tell an Ole Miss graduate at a dinner party? You can read his class ring when he picks his nose.
Why is an Ole Miss diploma so valuable? You can lay it on the dash of your car and park in any handicapped parking space in the seven-state southeastern area.
Did you hear about the Vanderbilt football player who thought a semiconductor was a part time band director?
Hey...equal time for insults...right!
We can joke among ourselves, but these jokes will cause a fight if spoken by anyone from above the Dixie line! So, beware all you Damn Yankees lurking about!
Why is an Ole Miss diploma so valuable? You can lay it on the dash of your car and park in any handicapped parking space in the seven-state southeastern area.
Did you hear about the Vanderbilt football player who thought a semiconductor was a part time band director?
Hey...equal time for insults...right!
We can joke among ourselves, but these jokes will cause a fight if spoken by anyone from above the Dixie line! So, beware all you Damn Yankees lurking about!
How do you keep Ole Miss Football players out of your yard ?...................... Paint it to resemble an endzone !!!
What do they call fine lookin women in Oxford ?........... Visitors !
Why do Ole Miss cheerleaders wear pantys.......Uh !......Well...... I'll stop there !
Rip Em !
What do they call fine lookin women in Oxford ?........... Visitors !
Why do Ole Miss cheerleaders wear pantys.......Uh !......Well...... I'll stop there !
Rip Em !
OFFSEASON ?,..... Ain't no such thing !
A LSU fan and an Auburn fan were on their way to a game when the Auburn fan decides he needs to take a dump. He tells the LSU fan to pull over and runs to the woods. After looking around he can't find any leaves to wipe with and asks the LSU fan if he has anything he can wipe with. After looking through the truck and doesn't find anything he hollers out and asks the Auburn fan if he has a dollar. He yells back that he does. The LSU fan tells him to use it to wipe with. A few minutes later the Auburn fan comes back to the truck and is covered with crap. The LSU fan asks him if he used the dollar? He said yea, but it sure is hard to wipe with 3 quarters, 2 dimes, and a nickel!
Why is an Ole Miss diploma so valuable? You can lay it on the dash of your car and park in any handicapped parking space in the seven-state southeastern area.
Hmmm. which school has the most Rhodes scholars of any public university in America?
What do they call fine lookin women in Oxford ?........... Visitors !
Hmmmm, which SEC school has had the most Miss Americas?
Beware men bearing facts!
So many ducks, so little time....
HRCH (500) UH Ellie Mae MH (2005-2017)
HRCH Tipsy MH
Zsa-Zsa Puppy
HRCH (500) UH Ellie Mae MH (2005-2017)
HRCH Tipsy MH
Zsa-Zsa Puppy
An Auburn guy and a Tenn fan are sitting in a bar when someone comes up and says, "What do those letters on your sweatshirts stand for?"
The Auburn guy looks at his AUBURN and says "Alabama Usually Beats Us 'Round November."
Then the Tennessee fan looks at his UT and says, "Us Too."
The Auburn guy looks at his AUBURN and says "Alabama Usually Beats Us 'Round November."
Then the Tennessee fan looks at his UT and says, "Us Too."
So many ducks, so little time....
HRCH (500) UH Ellie Mae MH (2005-2017)
HRCH Tipsy MH
Zsa-Zsa Puppy
HRCH (500) UH Ellie Mae MH (2005-2017)
HRCH Tipsy MH
Zsa-Zsa Puppy
Southern Football
Another reason why the South is great! Planning for the fall football season in the South is radically different from up North. For those Northeners planning a football trip in the South, here are some helpful hints.
Women's Accessories:
NORTH: Chap Stick in back pocket and a $20 bill in the front pocket.
SOUTH: Louis Vuitton duffel with two lipsticks, waterproof mascara, and a fifth of bourbon. Money not necessary - that's what dates are for.
Stadium Size:
NORTH: College football stadiums hold 20,000 people.
SOUTH: High school football stadiums hold 20,000 people.
Campus Decor:
NORTH: Statues of founding fathers.
SOUTH: Statues of Heisman trophy winners.
Homecoming Queen:
NORTH: Also a physics major.
SOUTH: Also Miss America.
Heroes:
NORTH: Rudy Guliani
SOUTH: Archie &Peyton Manning
Getting Tickets:
NORTH: 5 days before the game you walk into the ticket office on campus and purchase tickets.
SOUTH: 5 months before the game you walk into the ticket office on campus and put name on waiting list for tickets.
Friday Classes After a Thursday Night Game:
NORTH: Students and teachers not sure they're going to the game, because they have classes on Friday.
SOUTH: Teachers cancel Friday classes because they don't want to see the few hung over students that might actually make it to class.
Parking:
NORTH: An hour before game time, the University opens the campus for game parking.
SOUTH: RVs sporting their school flags begin arriving on Wednesday for the weekend festivities. The really faithful arrive on Tuesday.
Game Day:
NORTH: A few students party in the dorm and watch ESPN on TV.
SOUTH: Every student wakes up, has a beer for breakfast, and rushes over to where ESPN is broadcasting "Game Day Live" to get on camera and wave to the idiots up north who wonder why "Game Day Live" is never broadcast from their campus.
Tailgating:
NORTH: Raw meat on a grill, beer with lime in it, listening to local radio station with truck tailgate down.
SOUTH: 30-foot custom pig-shaped smoker fires up at dawn. Cooking accompanied by live performance by "Dave Matthews Band," who come over during breaks and ask for a hit off bottle of bourbon.
Getting to the Stadium:
NORTH: You ask "Where's the stadium?" When you find it, you walk right in.
SOUTH: When you're near it, you'll hear it. On game day it becomes the state's third largest city.
Concessions:
NORTH: Drinks served in a paper cup, filled to the top with soda.
SOUTH: Drinks served in a plastic cup, with the home team's mascot on it, filled less than half way with soda, to ensure enough room for bourbon.
When National Anthem is Played:
NORTH: Stands are less than half full, and less than half of them stand up.
SOUTH: 100,000 fans, all standing, sing along in perfect four-part harmony.
The Smell in the Air After the First Score:
NORTH: Nothing changes.
SOUTH: Fireworks, with a touch of bourbon.
Commentary (Male):
NORTH: "Nice play."
SOUTH: "Dammit, you slow sumbitch - tackle him and break his legs."
Commentary (Female):
NORTH: "My, this certainly is a violent sport."
SOUTH: "Dammit, you slow sumbitch - tackle him and break his legs."
Announcers:
NORTH: Neutral and paid.
SOUTH: Announcer harmonizes with the crowd in the fight song, with a tear in his eye because he is so proud of his team.
After the Game:
NORTH: The stadium is empty way before the game ends.
SOUTH: Another rack of ribs goes on the smoker. While somebody goes to the nearest package store for more bourbon, planning begins for next week's game.
Another reason why the South is great! Planning for the fall football season in the South is radically different from up North. For those Northeners planning a football trip in the South, here are some helpful hints.
Women's Accessories:
NORTH: Chap Stick in back pocket and a $20 bill in the front pocket.
SOUTH: Louis Vuitton duffel with two lipsticks, waterproof mascara, and a fifth of bourbon. Money not necessary - that's what dates are for.
Stadium Size:
NORTH: College football stadiums hold 20,000 people.
SOUTH: High school football stadiums hold 20,000 people.
Campus Decor:
NORTH: Statues of founding fathers.
SOUTH: Statues of Heisman trophy winners.
Homecoming Queen:
NORTH: Also a physics major.
SOUTH: Also Miss America.
Heroes:
NORTH: Rudy Guliani
SOUTH: Archie &Peyton Manning
Getting Tickets:
NORTH: 5 days before the game you walk into the ticket office on campus and purchase tickets.
SOUTH: 5 months before the game you walk into the ticket office on campus and put name on waiting list for tickets.
Friday Classes After a Thursday Night Game:
NORTH: Students and teachers not sure they're going to the game, because they have classes on Friday.
SOUTH: Teachers cancel Friday classes because they don't want to see the few hung over students that might actually make it to class.
Parking:
NORTH: An hour before game time, the University opens the campus for game parking.
SOUTH: RVs sporting their school flags begin arriving on Wednesday for the weekend festivities. The really faithful arrive on Tuesday.
Game Day:
NORTH: A few students party in the dorm and watch ESPN on TV.
SOUTH: Every student wakes up, has a beer for breakfast, and rushes over to where ESPN is broadcasting "Game Day Live" to get on camera and wave to the idiots up north who wonder why "Game Day Live" is never broadcast from their campus.
Tailgating:
NORTH: Raw meat on a grill, beer with lime in it, listening to local radio station with truck tailgate down.
SOUTH: 30-foot custom pig-shaped smoker fires up at dawn. Cooking accompanied by live performance by "Dave Matthews Band," who come over during breaks and ask for a hit off bottle of bourbon.
Getting to the Stadium:
NORTH: You ask "Where's the stadium?" When you find it, you walk right in.
SOUTH: When you're near it, you'll hear it. On game day it becomes the state's third largest city.
Concessions:
NORTH: Drinks served in a paper cup, filled to the top with soda.
SOUTH: Drinks served in a plastic cup, with the home team's mascot on it, filled less than half way with soda, to ensure enough room for bourbon.
When National Anthem is Played:
NORTH: Stands are less than half full, and less than half of them stand up.
SOUTH: 100,000 fans, all standing, sing along in perfect four-part harmony.
The Smell in the Air After the First Score:
NORTH: Nothing changes.
SOUTH: Fireworks, with a touch of bourbon.
Commentary (Male):
NORTH: "Nice play."
SOUTH: "Dammit, you slow sumbitch - tackle him and break his legs."
Commentary (Female):
NORTH: "My, this certainly is a violent sport."
SOUTH: "Dammit, you slow sumbitch - tackle him and break his legs."
Announcers:
NORTH: Neutral and paid.
SOUTH: Announcer harmonizes with the crowd in the fight song, with a tear in his eye because he is so proud of his team.
After the Game:
NORTH: The stadium is empty way before the game ends.
SOUTH: Another rack of ribs goes on the smoker. While somebody goes to the nearest package store for more bourbon, planning begins for next week's game.
So many ducks, so little time....
HRCH (500) UH Ellie Mae MH (2005-2017)
HRCH Tipsy MH
Zsa-Zsa Puppy
HRCH (500) UH Ellie Mae MH (2005-2017)
HRCH Tipsy MH
Zsa-Zsa Puppy
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nomsduckhunter
- Veteran
- Posts: 296
- Joined: Mon Jan 07, 2002 1:01 am
- Location: Moving to Mason, Tn
Hey, GC....It ain't our fault if all the Rhodes family has money, lives in a country club, went to Ole Miss, and funded all them dang scholarships!
You guys have earned the right to crow this year. I hope you win out...right up to the Egg Bowl! Then, all bets are off!
If y'all get to Atlanta in the title game this year, I'll treat! The first round is on me! Hey, I went to State, but I ain't dumb. I've seen you Ole Miss boys drink...I ain't promisin' nothin' but the first round. But, I do have the big Dixie cups for us to drink out of.
You guys have earned the right to crow this year. I hope you win out...right up to the Egg Bowl! Then, all bets are off!
If y'all get to Atlanta in the title game this year, I'll treat! The first round is on me! Hey, I went to State, but I ain't dumb. I've seen you Ole Miss boys drink...I ain't promisin' nothin' but the first round. But, I do have the big Dixie cups for us to drink out of.
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