Jokes
Jokes
Guys, I haven't been around in a while...these kids at school are bout to go wild ....they are ready to get out as I am.....I am in the need of a good laugh....anybody got any good jokes??????
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duckhuntalot
- Veteran
- Posts: 356
- Joined: Tue Aug 21, 2001 12:01 am
- Location: Kosciusko
Jokes
Two statues stood in a city park: one female and the other male. These statues faced each other for many years.
Early one morning, an angel appeared before the statues and said, "Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you your greatest wish. I hereby give you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire."
And with that command, the statues came to life. The two statues smiled at each other, ran toward some nearby woods and dove behind a couple of bushes. The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two statues giggling, bushes rustling, and twigs snapping.
After fifteen minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and smiling.
Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues, "You still have fifteen minutes. Would you like to continue?"
The male statue looked at the female and asked, "Do you want to do it again?"
Smiling, the female statue said, "Sure. But this time YOU hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on its head!"
Early one morning, an angel appeared before the statues and said, "Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you your greatest wish. I hereby give you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire."
And with that command, the statues came to life. The two statues smiled at each other, ran toward some nearby woods and dove behind a couple of bushes. The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two statues giggling, bushes rustling, and twigs snapping.
After fifteen minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and smiling.
Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues, "You still have fifteen minutes. Would you like to continue?"
The male statue looked at the female and asked, "Do you want to do it again?"
Smiling, the female statue said, "Sure. But this time YOU hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on its head!"
Jokes
Pretty Good...thanks!! [img]images/smiles/icon_biggrin.gif[/img]
Jokes
A new kid registered at school the other day...said he wanted to play football. So, the coach took him out to the practice field, watched him run a bit, watched him do some agility drills, then tossed him a football and said, "Hey, kid, let me see if you can pass this thing." The boy looked at the ball, frowned, and said, "Coach, I ain't at all sure I can even swallow this thing!
Fourteen days and counting South Gwinnett High!
Fourteen days and counting South Gwinnett High!
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Welldoggie
- Veteran
- Posts: 306
- Joined: Thu Jun 28, 2001 12:01 am
Jokes
HER SIDE OF THE STORY:
He was in an odd mood when I got to the bar. I thought it might have been my fault because I was a bit late but he didn't say anything much about it.
I don't remember doing anything to make him upset, but could tell there was something wrong. The conversation was quite slow going so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately.
We went to this restaurant and he was STILL acting a bit funny. I was getting really worried, what did I do? What was bothering him? Was he mad at me? I tried to cheer him up, but it didn't work. Was it me or something else? I asked him if he was upset with me, and he said no. But I wasn't really sure.
So anyway, in the cab on the way back to his house, I said that I love him, and he just put his arm around me! I didn't know what the hell that meant because, you know, he doesn't say it back or anything.
We finally got back to his place and I was wondering if he was going to break up with me! Why didn't he want to talk about this? So I tried to ask him about it, but he just switched on the TV. Reluctantly, I said I
was going to go to sleep, hoping he would get the hint that I was upset and wanted to talk. I was so hurt that he was out there watching TV while I was in here going through emotional turmoil. Then after about 10 minutes, he joined me and we made love.
I thought that maybe he would open up after we shared an intimate experience like that, but he still seemed really distracted. I was so upset, but I just cried myself to sleep. He didn't even notice how upset I was! I don't know... I just don't know what he thinks anymore. I don't know what to feel anymore. I'm on emotional overload. I'm so
confused. I don't think he loves me anymore. Why does he have to play mind games with me? I mean, do you think he's met someone else???
HIS SIDE OF THE STORY:
Went duck hunting today. Lit three groups in the decoys and killed none. Can't shoot to save my life. Felt kinda tired the rest of the day. Got laid though.
He was in an odd mood when I got to the bar. I thought it might have been my fault because I was a bit late but he didn't say anything much about it.
I don't remember doing anything to make him upset, but could tell there was something wrong. The conversation was quite slow going so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately.
We went to this restaurant and he was STILL acting a bit funny. I was getting really worried, what did I do? What was bothering him? Was he mad at me? I tried to cheer him up, but it didn't work. Was it me or something else? I asked him if he was upset with me, and he said no. But I wasn't really sure.
So anyway, in the cab on the way back to his house, I said that I love him, and he just put his arm around me! I didn't know what the hell that meant because, you know, he doesn't say it back or anything.
We finally got back to his place and I was wondering if he was going to break up with me! Why didn't he want to talk about this? So I tried to ask him about it, but he just switched on the TV. Reluctantly, I said I
was going to go to sleep, hoping he would get the hint that I was upset and wanted to talk. I was so hurt that he was out there watching TV while I was in here going through emotional turmoil. Then after about 10 minutes, he joined me and we made love.
I thought that maybe he would open up after we shared an intimate experience like that, but he still seemed really distracted. I was so upset, but I just cried myself to sleep. He didn't even notice how upset I was! I don't know... I just don't know what he thinks anymore. I don't know what to feel anymore. I'm on emotional overload. I'm so
confused. I don't think he loves me anymore. Why does he have to play mind games with me? I mean, do you think he's met someone else???
HIS SIDE OF THE STORY:
Went duck hunting today. Lit three groups in the decoys and killed none. Can't shoot to save my life. Felt kinda tired the rest of the day. Got laid though.
Jokes
After their initial meeting, Jane was asking Tarzan how he managed without sex in the jungle all those years. Tarzan pointed to a knothole in a tree.
Jane, wishing to please Tarzan, laid down on the floor of their grass hut, and said, "This will be a lot nicer than that knothole." Tarzan's eyes bulged, he dropped his loin cloth, then gave Jane a swift kick to her crotch. Writhing in pain, Jane hollered, "What the h*%@ did you kick me for, you idiot?!!! Tarzan says, "Check for bees."
Jane, wishing to please Tarzan, laid down on the floor of their grass hut, and said, "This will be a lot nicer than that knothole." Tarzan's eyes bulged, he dropped his loin cloth, then gave Jane a swift kick to her crotch. Writhing in pain, Jane hollered, "What the h*%@ did you kick me for, you idiot?!!! Tarzan says, "Check for bees."
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mississippi_duc_htr
- Veteran
- Posts: 673
- Joined: Mon Dec 10, 2001 1:01 am
- Location: On the wrong damn side of the state for sure for duck hunting!!!!, HATLEY,MS
Jokes
Hey crow that football joke must be about the ole mess training camp.HEHEHEHEHEHEHE
GO DAWGS 36 TO 28 IS ALL I KNOW [img]images/smiles/icon_biggrin.gif[/img] [img]images/smiles/icon_biggrin.gif[/img] [img]images/smiles/icon_biggrin.gif[/img] [img]images/smiles/icon_biggrin.gif[/img] [img]images/smiles/icon_biggrin.gif[/img] [img]images/smiles/icon_biggrin.gif[/img] [img]images/smiles/icon_biggrin.gif[/img] [img]images/smiles/icon_biggrin.gif[/img]
GO DAWGS 36 TO 28 IS ALL I KNOW [img]images/smiles/icon_biggrin.gif[/img] [img]images/smiles/icon_biggrin.gif[/img] [img]images/smiles/icon_biggrin.gif[/img] [img]images/smiles/icon_biggrin.gif[/img] [img]images/smiles/icon_biggrin.gif[/img] [img]images/smiles/icon_biggrin.gif[/img] [img]images/smiles/icon_biggrin.gif[/img] [img]images/smiles/icon_biggrin.gif[/img]
Jokes
what do you call pickled whitetail deer on a stick?........dilldoe
Jokes
I got this in an email the other day...It may be old by now.
The Bum
A bum, who obviously has seen more than his share of hard times, approaches a well-dressed gentleman on the street. "Hey, Buddy, can you spare two dollars?"
The well-dressed gentleman responds, "You are not going to spend it on liquor are you?" "No, sir, I don't drink," retorts the bum. "You are not going to throw it away in some fishing gear, are you?" asks the gentleman. "No way, I don't fish," answers the bum. "You wouldn't waste the money on a bird lease, would you?" asks the man. "Never," says the bum, "I don't hunt."
The man asks the bum if he would like to come home with him for a home cooked meal. The bum accepts eagerly. While they are heading for the man's house, the bum's curiosity gets the better of him. "Isn't your wife going to be angry when she sees a guy like me at your table?"
"Probably," says the man, "but it will be worth it. I want her to see what happens to a guy who doesn't drink, fish or hunt."
[img]images/smiles/icon_biggrin.gif[/img]
The Bum
A bum, who obviously has seen more than his share of hard times, approaches a well-dressed gentleman on the street. "Hey, Buddy, can you spare two dollars?"
The well-dressed gentleman responds, "You are not going to spend it on liquor are you?" "No, sir, I don't drink," retorts the bum. "You are not going to throw it away in some fishing gear, are you?" asks the gentleman. "No way, I don't fish," answers the bum. "You wouldn't waste the money on a bird lease, would you?" asks the man. "Never," says the bum, "I don't hunt."
The man asks the bum if he would like to come home with him for a home cooked meal. The bum accepts eagerly. While they are heading for the man's house, the bum's curiosity gets the better of him. "Isn't your wife going to be angry when she sees a guy like me at your table?"
"Probably," says the man, "but it will be worth it. I want her to see what happens to a guy who doesn't drink, fish or hunt."
[img]images/smiles/icon_biggrin.gif[/img]
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blacklab101
- Veteran
- Posts: 135
- Joined: Mon Oct 15, 2001 12:01 am
- Location: COLUMBIA , MS
Jokes
A very attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender, who comes over immediately.
When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his full beard.
"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no." the man replies.
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him." She says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathes the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say.
"Tell him," she whispers, "there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room." [img]images/smiles/icon_eek.gif[/img] [img]images/smiles/icon_eek.gif[/img] [img]images/smiles/icon_eek.gif[/img]
When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his full beard.
"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no." the man replies.
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him." She says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathes the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say.
"Tell him," she whispers, "there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room." [img]images/smiles/icon_eek.gif[/img] [img]images/smiles/icon_eek.gif[/img] [img]images/smiles/icon_eek.gif[/img]
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Canton_Coot_Killer
- Veteran
- Posts: 139
- Joined: Fri Dec 21, 2001 1:01 am
- Location: Big Sleugh Lake
Jokes
Fish cost a fortune
Two Virginia rednecks go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment - the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. I mean they spend a fortune!
The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish.
As they're driving home they're really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says, "Do you realise that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred bucks?"
The other guy says, "Wow! Then it's a good thing we didn't catch any more!"
Two Virginia rednecks go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment - the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. I mean they spend a fortune!
The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish.
As they're driving home they're really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says, "Do you realise that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred bucks?"
The other guy says, "Wow! Then it's a good thing we didn't catch any more!"
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damnyankee
- Veteran
- Posts: 402
- Joined: Mon Jun 18, 2001 12:01 am
- Location: Central, IL
Jokes
I'm traveling through MS and stop to get a motel for the night.
Get all checked in, get in the room, hop in bed and the damn sink won't stop dripping.
Finally I call the front desk, and tell the manager " I gotta leak in my sink"
Manager responds, "Go ahead"
[img]images/smiles/icon_biggrin.gif[/img]
Get all checked in, get in the room, hop in bed and the damn sink won't stop dripping.
Finally I call the front desk, and tell the manager " I gotta leak in my sink"
Manager responds, "Go ahead"
[img]images/smiles/icon_biggrin.gif[/img]
Jokes
i was duck huntin in La. this past year when i knocked a duck down and it went over a fence.. as i crossed the fence to get my duck a farmer approached on a tractor an asked what the heck was i doing? gettin my duck i replied... he told me i was trespassin and the way to settle it was that he would kick me three times and then i could kick him three times and the one who gave up first could have the duck......
well, he first kicked me in the groin and bowed me over, then he kicked me in the face and broke my nose, when i fell to the ground he kicked me in the ribs and broke two of them.... i looked up and said it was my turn, he replied " Oh, i have had enough, you can get your duck........
judge jb
well, he first kicked me in the groin and bowed me over, then he kicked me in the face and broke my nose, when i fell to the ground he kicked me in the ribs and broke two of them.... i looked up and said it was my turn, he replied " Oh, i have had enough, you can get your duck........
judge jb
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Welldoggie
- Veteran
- Posts: 306
- Joined: Thu Jun 28, 2001 12:01 am
Jokes
Cajun flavor...
Two cajun fellers rented a boat and went fishing one day and really got into the fish. One says to the other "man we gots to be rememberin this place and should done did marked it somehow". So, his buddy gets out a red marker and draws a big X on the bottom of the boat. The other feller says "You ol' dumb cajun, how do you think we'll ever find this here spot again if we don't go renting this exact same boat?"
Two cajun fellers rented a boat and went fishing one day and really got into the fish. One says to the other "man we gots to be rememberin this place and should done did marked it somehow". So, his buddy gets out a red marker and draws a big X on the bottom of the boat. The other feller says "You ol' dumb cajun, how do you think we'll ever find this here spot again if we don't go renting this exact same boat?"
Jokes
one sunday morning after a busy night on the town three hookers were having a cup of coffee and talking about the previous nights encounters and the money they had made. the first hooker told what a good night she had and how she thought she must have made it with a policeman. the girls said how do you know it was a cop? she said well, when we were through i looked in the mirror and i had an imprint of a badge on my right breast that said precinct 32. the second girl said well i must have had a cowboy because i had an imprint of a huge belt buckle on my belly this morning. the third girl had not said a word and the others asked, well what happened to you, you are quiet. the girl said, i think i must have FU**** a farmer because at first he said it was too wet, then it was too dry, and then the "illegitimate child" wanted it on credit.
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