So you want to have a Kid or Have one on the way. READ THIS

[cwink]

Got this from my wife today.. Figured since we have a new Dad today and a few more on the way yall should be prepared..

11 Step Program for those thinking of having kids
.by Amy Lawrence on Tuesday, January 4, 2011 at 9:24am.

Lesson 1

1. Go to the grocery store.

2. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.

3. Go home.

4. Pick up the paper.

5. Read it for the last time.

Lesson 2

Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who already are parents and berate them about their...

1. Methods of discipline.

2. Lack of patience.

3. Appallingly low tolerance levels.

4. Allowing their children to run wild.

5. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's breastfeeding, sleep habits, toilet training, table manners, and overall behavior.

Enjoy it because it will be the last time in your life you will have all the answers.

Lesson 3

A really good way to discover how the nights might feel...

1. Get home from work and immediately begin walking around the living room from 5PM to 10PM carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 pounds, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly. (Eat cold food with one hand for dinner)

2. At 10PM, put the bag gently down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep.

3. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1AM.

4. Set the alarm for 3AM.

5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2AM and make a drink and watch an infomercial.

6. Go to bed at 2:45AM.

7. Get up at 3AM when the alarm goes off.

8. Sing songs quietly in the dark until 4AM.

9. Get up. Make breakfast. Get ready for work and go to work (work hard and be productive)

Repeat steps 1-9 each night. Keep this up for 3-5 years. Look cheerful and together.

Lesson 4

Can you stand the mess children make? T o find out...

1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains.

2. Hide a piece of raw chicken behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.

3. Stick your fingers in the flower bed.

4. Then rub them on the clean walls.

5. Take your favorite book, photo album, etc. Wreck it.

6. Spill milk on your new pillows. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?

Lesson 5

Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems.

1. Buy an octopus and a small bag made out of loose mesh.

2. Attempt to put the octopus into the bag so that none of the arms hang out.

Time allowed for this - all morning.

Lesson 6

Forget the BMW and buy a mini-van. And don't think that you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that.

1. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment.

Leave it there.

2. Get a dime. Stick it in the CD player.

3. Take a family size package of chocolate cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Sprinkle cheerios all over the floor, then smash them with your foot.

4. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.

Lesson 7

Go to the local grocery store. Take with you the closest thing you can find to a pre-school child. (A full-grown goat is an excellent choice). If you intend to have more than one child, then definitely take more than one goat. Buy your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys. Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.

Lesson 8

1. Hollow out a melon.

2. Make a small hole in the side.

3. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side.

4. Now get a bowl of soggy Cheerios and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane.

5. Continue until half the Cheerios are gone.

6. Tip half into your lap. The other half, just throw up in the air.

You are now ready to feed a nine- month-old baby.

Lesson 9

Learn the names of every character from Sesame Street , Barney, Disney, the Teletubbies, and Pokemon. Watch nothing else on TV but PBS, the Disney channel or Noggin for at least five years. (I know, you're thinking What's 'Noggin'?) Exactly the point.

Lesson 10

Make a recording of Fran Drescher saying 'mommy' repeatedly. (Important: no more than a four second delay between each 'mommy'; occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet is required). Play this tape in your car everywhere you go for the next four years. You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.

Lesson 11

Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else continually tug on your skirt hem, shirt- sleeve, or elbow while playing the 'mommy' tape made from Lesson 10 above. You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.

This is all very tongue in cheek; anyone who is parent will say 'it's all worth it!' Share it with your friends, both those who do and don't have kids. I guarantee they'll get a chuckle out of it. Remember, a sense of humor is one of the most important things you'll need when you become a parent!

[LawDawg]

I'm scared to death now. Thanks Chad.

[edub20]

[DUCKAHOLIC]

[Bonecollecter1111]

And pray like HE!!!!!!, they don't have a bad case of the collic. then you can increase screams, time spent pacing floor, loss of sleep and coffee intake at work by at least four fold of what was written. my coffe habit reached the point of 3 pots a day. talked to a friend yesterday and he said that divoce rate of parents with colicy children was 78 % higher than the average rate. be afraid, BE VERY AFRAID


best wishes,

and the reason married people with kids tell married people without kids to go ahead an have babies, is so they will experience the misery too JK they are worth everything given up for them, at least up to my current experience level

[duckhunterdoc]

and don't forget the other stages...age 6-12 not too bad.... but aliens from an unknown planet will invade their brain at age 13....prepare for sleep deprivation again till the Aliens take them to college....somewhere in college the Aliens leave...why? "I don't Know"... but they do leave, payment for the inhabitation is in the form of WORDS..."Mom and Dad aren't as stupid as I thought"......but the real return on investment are GRANDKIDS----payback is fun

[MudHog]

Lets add in RSV at any age younger than a year old.

Lets add teething until everything is out. The first teeth are the "easiest" and they still are rough.




oh and if poopy diapers get to you at birth, the stink gets worse when they start eating regular food.
















I think we need to have a DS baby sticky. Bet it would be the first and only hunting website that has a baby advice sticky.

[landscaper]

At first I was surprised that there was no mention made at all of the relentless streams of pooh, slobber, and mucus that come out of these little critters. The more I contemplated it, though, I realized that those things were omitted because cleaning the pooh out a babies ears, hair, and arm pits (that got smeared in there off the inside of his shirt while you tried to pull it over his snotty little head as he laughed, screamed, giggled, rubbed, slapped and kicked) and out from under your finger nails (from taking off his liberally filled socks) is about as easy as it gets!

[huntersmky]

they are worth doing everyone of those steps 10X. I wouldn't trade my little guy for all the money in the world. It's only bad the first 6 months, after that things are fine.

[CBRADGO]

Go ahead and add lack of seeing the poonanny for a while, and never with any regularity and DEFINITELY with NOWHERE NEAR the frequency...

[duckhunterdoc]

[aweyerman]

I want to cry now. Thanks guys. Definately going to think twice and probably even a third time before having children. Love to practice the act but omg do not want to deal with all that. I'm terrified now.

[MrGoodtime]

Wouldnt take a milloin bucks for my 2 boys.................wouldnt give you a nickle for 2 more just like them!!! Kind sucks tho, they have moved out and now my hunting buddies are gona and dont have time for ole pops anymore.

[donia]

[jacksbuddy]