How to poop at work

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Dutch Dog
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How to poop at work

Postby Dutch Dog » Wed Apr 16, 2014 10:41 pm

It's better to have it and not need it, than need it and not have it.
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Roach
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Re: How to poop at work

Postby Roach » Thu Apr 17, 2014 8:06 am

Yep, been there done that... :lol:
donia
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Re: How to poop at work

Postby donia » Thu Apr 17, 2014 1:12 pm

...far too many are ignorant to the "courtesy flush".
Experience is a freakin' awesome teacher...
420 racin
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Re: How to poop at work

Postby 420 racin » Thu Apr 17, 2014 1:29 pm

and far too many don't understand stall etiquette...
If at all possible leave one stall between you and your fellow $#!+...don't sit down next to someone if you don't have to people....I know this should be common knowledge but you'd be suprised...
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mshunter77
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Re: How to poop at work

Postby mshunter77 » Thu Apr 17, 2014 2:52 pm

I just put up the closed for cleaning sign.
Deltamud77
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Re: How to poop at work

Postby Deltamud77 » Thu Apr 17, 2014 3:13 pm

Don't talk from the pot to other people in the restroom either. I had a guy I used to work with that would recognize my shoes and start up a conversation while he was taking a deuce...that is just weird to me.
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edub20
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Re: How to poop at work

Postby edub20 » Fri Apr 18, 2014 8:14 am

Pretty sure someone died in ATL airport yesterday afternoon. grunts and moans of pain and horror were coming from the stall right next to the urinals.

Sounded like the pine cone turd from hell mixed with some hemorrhoids.
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Greenhead329
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Re: How to poop at work

Postby Greenhead329 » Thu Apr 24, 2014 11:41 am

Thats funny...Im guilty of about half of those
All I know is... A wise rooster don't bury his head when a chicken hawk is around...he keeps his eyes on his chickens

Dude...Why'd you make the homeless guy pay for supper?
yourmanwm75
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Re: How to poop at work

Postby yourmanwm75 » Thu Apr 24, 2014 1:55 pm

Good stuff!
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tica-tica
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Re: How to poop at work

Postby tica-tica » Fri Apr 25, 2014 8:08 am

Survival Guide for Taking a Dump at Work
Memorize these definitions, and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure.

ASTAIRE
A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential TURD BURGLARS that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

CAMO-COUGH
A phony cough which alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON or to alert potential TURD BURGLARS. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

COURTESY FLUSH
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

CRACK WHORE
A crapper that has seen more ass than a Greyhound Bus. Telltale signs of a CRACK WHORE include pubes, piss stains and $#!+ streaks. Avoid a CRACK WHORE at all cost. Try finding out when the janitor cleans each particular bathroom. Don't forget with a good cleaning, a CRACK WHORE can become a SAFE HAVEN.

ESCAPEE
A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic and embarrassment, similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter at the urinal, pretend that you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee; it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

FLY BY
The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in, check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

HAVANA OMELET
A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an ESCAPEE. Try using a CAMO-COUGH with an ASTAIRE.

JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with ESCAPEE)
When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine-gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic; remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

OUT-OF-THE-CLOSET POOPER
A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER before entering the bathroom.

POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN)
A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPERS and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVEN
A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR
A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the TURD BURGLAR leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

UNCLE TED
A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An UNCLE TED makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

WALK OF SHAME
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk-up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of a COURTESY FLUSH.

WATERMELON
A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a WATERMELON coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

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